Greetings fellow humans. As we all know, there are in fact less than 365 days left for our meagre and completely forgettable rock to continue to orbit what is a less than average sized and completely unimportant star in a minor solar system – you can read all about why on December 21st we will in fact be sucked in to a black hole/hit by a passing planetoid/engulfed by a supernova/raptured a new one. Basically, things are looking pretty bleak, and you can read up on that here:
The planet X/Nibiru theory is probably my favourite of our options, particularly because there’s a great new band from Ireland called Nibiru (www.planetnibiru.bandcamp.com).
So, we come to the crux of the matter – since we’re all going to be too busy losing our fucking minds looting (personally I will be going after Selfridges, Waitrose, Oi Polloi and Games Workshop (if I don’t steal a plane first)) throughout December 2012 to write our end of year lists, here is an advanced cultural and current affairs review of all the shit that’s gonna happen in 2012. Don’t say Pistachio Mag 2.0 never did anything for you when the cannibalism in the streets starts OKAY GUYS.
BIG EVENTS IN 2012 and how they went down:
London 2012 Olympics
Millions upon millions of disposable income rich suburban families spend upwards of £50 a ticket for their double barrelled surnamed children to watch the 3rd leg of the Women’s Handball; corporate parties take place in boxes throughout the Olympic Stadium (with the attendees missing most of the actual athletics), and the rest of Britain watches on in a bemused state of ill-informed patriotism with the niggling ever present thought that the tax system actually paid for this event. I, on the other hand, live the raw life in a cave for a month eating nothing but freshly caught deer and beating anyone to death who comes within a mile of my lair. #SPORTSMANSHIP
The Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth II
Well received because we all get a day off of work/school to sit outside, eating BBQ’d steaks and drinking glass bottled cokes. Thanks Liz! In local news, I attend Norton Lindsey’s Got Talent II as a judge on the panel and make 6 children cry. #DIAMONDSARENTFOREVER
So 2011. #MORELIKEGLOBALBORECESSIONAMIRITE
Mars Rover Curiosity Landing
Wait, this thing is the size of a Mini? Am I the only person who thought these Rovers were about a foot wide? No one realises the Mars Rover has taken off, let alone landed. Results of the $2.5 Billion expedition are of no interest to most of the Sun reading population who are still shocked by photographs from Hubble which appeared to depict a shadowy figure on the surface of the Red planet – in fact, the shadow of a weird shaped rock. $2.5 Billion well spent, YOUR MOVE, ALIENS.
18th National Congress of the Communist Party of China
This conference is reported in the news as a merely symbolic event that is key to the morale of the Chinese people being uplifted as they see their glorious leadership united. In reality, we are all stupid if we don’t recognise China as one (if not the) most powerful nation in the world who probably have machines that can change the weather and shit. #RECOGNISECOMMUNISM
Birth of Skynet
“Pleiades, a proposed supercomputer built by Intel and SGI for NASA's Ames Research Center, will be completed, reaching a peak performance of 10 Petaflops (10 quadrillion floating point operations per second)”
[EDITOR’S NOTE: This computer sux in comparison to "Sequoia, a proposed super computer built by IBM for the National Nuclear Security Administration will be completed, reaching a peak performance of 20 Petaflops.”]
The world of music is this year dominated by the birth of a crap load of new genres that will burn brightly and briefly before being wiped out – QUITE LITERALLY THIS YEAR AMIRITE U GUIZE.
2011 was marked by some pretty embarrassing shit, even outside of pop music – I mean, rock & roll music had LETLIVE (LOLLIVE) & BLACK VEIL BRIDES (props on the make-up, shame about the whack ass music), Pitchfork championed a genre known as RAPEGAZE, and Mumford & Sons continued to exist.
2012 will reflect everything bad about music in 2011 I imagine, but since we are coming to the end of a b’ak’tun, all the stars of greed and poor taste will fall in to place to create some incredibly disgusting media output. Here are some releases that came out/will come out in 2012 (I have by this point lost all desire to be consistent in the viewpoint I am writing this from, dealwithit.gif):
Enter Shikari – Flood of Colour
My respect for this band ends with the fact that they hired out the Astoria for 2 nights and spent all potential profit on their stage show – DIVA O CLOCK. This, their latest dub-trance-offensive-core opus is what actually causes the Planet X/Nibiru to adjust its course for collision with Earth. It transpires that the Mayan Calendar was actually predicting the cataclysmic arrival of an album THIS HORRIFYING that causes the native inhabitants of Nibiru to deem the human race unfit for existence.
Sleigh Bells – Reign of Terror
A confusing one for critics – too popular for Pitchfork et al to now champion, still slightly too ‘cool’ for the NME, so, do Q or someone love this band now? I predict a lukewarm reception and maybe one video with the lead singer looking foxy.
Buckethead – Electric Sea
Former guitarist of the Axl Rose Guns n Roses Experience. 35th studio album. There are no words.
Black Sabbath – Reunion Album
I have total faith that the sheer power of a reformed Black Sabbath with Rick Rubin at the helm will be the only thing that diverts Nibiru from collision. On December 21st the human race will gather on the frozen nuclear wasteland that was once Siberia, and every amp/speaker still in existence will be put to the task of sending the dulcet tones of Tony Iommi’s riff on Sweet Leaf in to space. Take that, aliens.
Guns n Roses – tbc
Hehehheheheeheheh good one axl
Keane – TBC
Lindsey Lohan – Spirit in the Dark (Reborn)
Selena Gomez & The Scene – 4TH ALBUM
Okay, this is just getting ridiculous, apocalypse now pls.
Shoe in for Mercury Prize/Critics Boners
The XX – Album No. 2
Without a shadow of a doubt, this will be THE album/band that critics at the nme/the guardian/everywhere in between jump on the dick of to look smart and oh so out there. I imagine this band can only get sparser and dubbier (hahahh), such that by album 3 we are faced with what is essentially finely tuned silence. Let me just get it out of the way for us all and put it at the top of my CRITICS CHOICE LIST 2012.
Film is, in comparison to music, actually looking pretty good this year, if you’re a total sci fi/fantasy geek. And let’s face it, we’re all going to have to be to overcome the crippling existential fear that will grip our hearts in the end days.
- The Amazing Spiderman
Emma Stone is a stone cold (c wot I did thur) hotty and Andrew Garfield is one skinny motherfucker a la Peter Parker of yore. I have faith in this reboot.
- THE AVENGERS
We are all stoked for this, although I have to admit my excitement is largely fuelled by wanting to see Thor and Iron Man sass each other.
- The Dark Knight Rises
Coolest effing Batman franchise thus far, SHOCK ENDING SPOILER ALERT – Nolan kills Bruce Wayne… (let’s see how right I am this summer).
- The Hobbit
The film of the year and we’re not even going to get to see it, FUCK U NIBIRU.
Okay, those are the films I enjoyed this year, here are the ones I am going to write about for cheap comic value:
- HANSEL AND GRETEL – WITCH HUNTERS
I am a big fan of crossover films, but this really takes the biscuit. Are H & G cold blooded killers in this new exciting incarnation? I can’t wait to find out.
- SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN
2012 is clearly characterised by embarrassing remakes of classic childhood fairytales. Look, THOR is a guy with an axe!! The evil queen is a vain bitch!!!!! Snow White is…….. a moody Kristen Stewart??????????
- PROJECT X
Unconfirmed reports that this film is as straight as the line that you sniff up your nose (kudos to you if you a. read this far and b. enjoyed that jokette)
-WRATH OF THE TITANS
Someone in Hollywood is getting rich as all hell out of films like this, whilst you and I sit at home and resent them. If you steal one movie from the internet this year to spite an exec, make it this one.
- AMERICAN REUNION
On second thoughts…………………………
- TITANIC 3D
Okay, if you steal THREE movies this year…
- ROCK OF AGES
Something we’re all excited to see – Tom Cruise in spandex, receives poor box office ratings and zero critical acclaim prompting Tom to write himself a further 6 world saving Mission Impossible adventures to satisfy his ever growing ego (wait, is Tom Cruise’s ego actually creating an orbit that will result in Nibiru landing????? RESULTS TO FOLLOW)
- ABRAHAM LINCOLN, VAMPIRE KILLER.
2012: one not to scrapbook.
These have been the extensive words and musings of Luke McGuire.